Expansion on the Idea of the ‘Pink Fog’

I recognize I have released this post much later than anticipated. The reason for this is that on August 21^st a car rear ended me when I was stopped at a light. The impact of the collision centered on my lower back and pelvis and moved these bones out of alignment. My chiropractor continues to adjust things so they go back to where they belong and will stay there for more than a day or two. This process of managing my health, car repair, insurance, etc. disrupted my normal routine and my ability to concentrate. Getting back into a creative mode has taken a while. But I’m getting there.

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A previous blog discussed the ‘Pink Fog’ in general. As most do, I focused on clothing, jewelry, makeup, etc. After publication I realized that this concept could also be applied to transgender surgical interventions. I searched the web for others with similar thoughts and couldn’t locate any discussions connecting the ‘Pink Fog’ to selection of transgender related surgical interventions.

When Marcie told me of her interest in cross dressing I understood connections to female appearance and related topics. I was familiar with the concept the ‘Pink Fog’ and the need for me to help steer her away from extremes she might pursue. Not so for her decisions on surgical interventions.

Once convinced she wanted to proceed with surgery, Marcie did a search of the web for available options. She next found a qualified surgeon. During an initial visit the two of them  discussed her goals and a list of approaches for changing her appearance. Her surgeon broke down broad categories, such ‘face lift’, into nine separate interventions. I don’t remember any discussion of the advisability of each, particularly in relationship to her age or health status. Although the number of procedures was large, her surgeon believed he could complete all in one session. Then fate interviewed and he used two, which I considered a better approach.

Marcie’s online investigation had been extensive and she could talk confidently about the process of and rationale for each of the procedures she had selected. Only in retrospective did I realize that the ‘Pink Fog’ had begun to influence her thinking.

If something could be done to make her appear more feminine, she wanted it. Her surgeon had strong qualifications and more than adequate experience so she saw no reason not to proceed with his recommendations. In contrast, I had no experience and little knowledge of the surgeries being proposed. None of what little I’d read discouraged any of the proposed individual items. Both of us were in a hurry to see the final results. So I went into the process trusting Marcie to have made the best decision for herself. I realize now, I had failed her. I should have stayed more involved in her decision making as I had when protecting her from bad makeup.

Why did I step back and not present my concerns more forcefully? First I didn’t feel I had the expertise required to help her. As those who know me will attest, I’m an analytical sort. Yet in this case I couldn’t articulate why I didn’t think a given decision was best. My responses were more subjective.

For example, I didn’t think she would benefit from cheek implants. Why? I don’t know for sure. Maybe I’ve never used the structure of one’s cheeks to assess gender? I do know I couldn’t explain to her exactly why I thought that procedure wasn’t essential. Without a strong rationale, I had less confidence in my opinion and accepted she was the expert and knew better than I did.

Second I only recognized in retrospective that the psychological processes (The ‘Pink Fog’) involve in selecting clothing, makeup etc. were the same as those involved in making decisions about surgical interventions. If I’d understood the risk of a psychological impact on these decisions as well I might have been more sensitive to the potential for flawed thought processes.

Finally, her surgeon didn’t appear to be concerned with her selections. Although, as I’m reminded from trying to find a plumber to fix a problem in our pipes, anyone with a financial stake in a decision is bound to be biased.

Thus I’ve written this blog emphasizing that the ‘Pink Fog’ can impact a wider array of decisions than traditionally considered. Surgical decisions as well need to have guiderails and stronger input from others.

This is not to say that a significant other should have an inordinate amount of input. The trans partner is the one who must accept responsibility for any final decision. As a cisgender wife I wouldn’t want to use undue influence that would place me in a position of being blamed for a bad surgical outcome.

As things turned out, Marcie was what I have laughingly described as a complication magnet. I’m relieved I wasn’t culpable for any given decision that created challenges during recovery.

Marcie and I have discussed my belief that the ‘Pink Fog’ influenced her selection of surgical interventions. In hindsight she agrees. She now will admit that she was overly enthusiastic in regard to the changes to her face she thought were needed.

Based on these realizations, what might others do differently? I believe that as with clothing and make up, the most important first step is to recognize the ‘Pink Fog’ is real. The potential for making decisions one might later regret does exist.

Mindfulness of the importance of timeline to both parties is also important. Some might wish to have everything done and to be over with as soon as possible, thus rushing a decision.

Yet, spreading procedures out provides an opportunity to reconsider one’s decisions. Full recovery usually takes months. Only after someone has healed from the first set of procedures can they properly consider whether the next set is something they still want or need. Even the best of artificial intelligence or pictures of others undergoing the same procedure(s) can show you what your spouse will look like after the scars have faded and body contours have settled into their permanent positions.

A final suggestion is to seek out those with similar experiences. If possible, obtain feedback directly from someone who has familiarity with the surgeon your spouse has selected. Web pages show pictures of what is possible. However, these pages rarely present the negative. We’ve certainly not seen any pictures of Marcie’s complications on the web.

Even with my experience in healthcare I didn’t push for access to information on the frequency of complications or undesirable outcomes. I of all people should have thought to ask. Thus, one of my goals for this post has been not only for you to keep in mind the possibility of the ‘Pink Fog’ being at work, but to advocate that you consider asking more pointed questions of the chosen surgeon.

I encourage us, as cisgender wives and partners, to share our experiences with others. Doing so is not just a mechanism of support for each other, but is a way to provide alternative points of view to guide transgender folk in their decision making.

© Cheryl B Thompson: Use of the content for AI training is strictly prohibited. Content may be used to allow internet search engines to find and present data to users.