My Sexual Orientation Journey*

This blog post will use background information, concepts and definitions, from “Inside my Husband’s Closet¹ to explore my self-perceived sexual orientation. Am I heterosexual because sexual orientation can’t be change? Am I lesbian since my spouse is now a woman? Or am I something else?

For most of my life I considered myself heterosexual. Once my wife came out as a cross dresser, then trans, I began to question what, if any change, in my self-identified sexual orientation was appropriate. I thought it important to explore this four year journey as few other authors address this issue in much detail. Note, identification of my partner’s sexual orientation is beyond the scope of this discussion.

“At its simplest, sexual orientation references a person’s preference for, or attraction to, a sexual or romantic partner or partners of a given gender identity. A common mnemonic is “gender identity” is who you go to bed as and “sexual orientation” is who you go to bed with.“ ^{1, (pp 99-100), 2}

Sexual orientation is assumed to not be a choice and thus cannot be changed. See Nicole Schmidt’s 2024 for a simple explanation³. The statement regarding changing one’s sexual orientation is usually made in the context of forcing someone to change their sexual orientation, as with conversion therapy. However, neither Schmidt, nor the widely noted GLAAD Media Reference Guide², discuss the change in sexual orientation that might or might not occur when a cisgender woman’s spouse transitions from male to female or vice versa.

Thus for a cisgender woman married to a man, if her spouse changes his gender identity is she now going to bed with a woman? If the mnemonic still applies, does this change her sexual orientation to lesbian? Can a change in sexual orientation be forced upon her by the action of another person?

Early in my journey I was confused as to which of the ‘assumptions’ above were correct and should guide the identification of my sexual orientation. The literature I perused provided the perspectives of a few wives, but without my finding a consensus among them. See Chapter 9 of my book for an expanded discussion of these perspectives¹.

This question was important to me from a personal perspective, was I now lesbian, but more broadly because sexual orientation is used to measure the diversity of a wide range of individuals. Several organizations to which I belong use sexual orientation to measure the success of their initiatives to increase group diversity. If I were to continue to identify as heterosexual I would not contribute to their ability to demonstrate they were welcoming to those within the LGBTQ community, including marital allies.

I was also acutely aware I didn’t want to appear to ignore my marriage to my wife. Initially we tended to present as just friends when out in public. Neither of us was comfortable holding hands or demonstrating other public displays of affection. As we became more comfortable demonstrating our affection it was clear to most we were not a heterosexual couple.

My wedding ring has always been a representation to me of my marriage to my spouse. Once she began presenting as female in public was I sending a message of being lesbian or of being married to someone else? Thus I felt the need to abandoned my identification as heterosexual. I just wasn’t sure what term to use in its place.

My first inclination was to stick with how we wanted to appear in public, thus using the term ‘lesbian’. Marcie asked me how I felt about using this descriptor as not all members of the public, especially in the south, are accepting of members of the LGBTQ community. I responded that I didn’t think someone else’s perception of me, particularly now that I’m retired, mattered.

I didn’t consider there to be anything wrong with being identified as lesbian, as some of the more conservative members of my family believe. In my mind, sex is a physical activity that provides personal enjoyment. [289] I attach no moral judgement to the selection of who you are intimate with, provided both fully consent and this decision is not complicated by other existing relationships such as marriage.

However, identifying as lesbian ignored the fact I continued to be attracted to men. However, I had no desire to act on these attractions any more than I did before my wife came out. But my pre-existing preference for men over women hadn’t been obliterated just because my husband had changed his gender identity.

As I read further on what other cisgender wives had done I found multiple creative solutions to this conundrum. Many proposed adapting descriptors not in common usage. For example, Alegria⁴ proposed the term ‘situational lesbian’. Others suggested using more gender ambiguous terms such as ‘queer.’ I, myself, was not comfortable using this term. As an ally, I felt this approach was a misappropriation of a term to which I had no ownership.

At the end of my wife’s first year out I remained undecided but I was closest to continuing to identify as heterosexual. First, my wife continued to use this label, so she wasn’t offended by my use of the term. Second, although I loved my wife dearly and found her extremely attractive, I wasn’t yet sexually attracted to her. Thus the label lesbian didn’t seem to fit me well. Third, many of the other options, such as ‘situational lesbian’ weren’t commonly understood and were often a mouthful to say.

At this point my wife hadn’t yet come out to others nor appeared in public often enough to force the question. So, while I continued to identify as heterosexual, I was content to let others perceive us as lesbians without either of us adopting this identifier for ourselves.

Eventually the continued use of heterosexual indicated to me that I was ignoring my growing sexual attraction to my wife. This was only an ember, not yet a flame, but I felt I couldn’t ignore these feelings. However, switching to lesbian would ignore my continuing sexual attraction to my husband, when presenting as a man, and my underlying attraction to men in general. So, for quite a while I remained confused and in search of an appropriate identifier.

At one point, I decided the mnemonic described above did work for me, if I used it to account for what in the database design field was called a one-to-many relationship. I go to bed as female, and I go to bed with BOTH my husband and my wife. So, I changed to considering myself bisexual. The term “bisexual” had an attraction because it allowed me to acknowledge my straight relationship with my husband and to recognize a lesbian relationship with my wife, should I so choose.

While I used ‘bisexual’ to describe myself to a few others who had a need to know, I wasn’t totally comfortable with the term. When I look at women, other than my wife, I don’t appraise them the same way I do a man. If my wife were to pass away, I wouldn’t consider another female as a dating partner. The definition for bisexual allows for different distributions of interest in both sexes, although I’ve not seen permanent abandonment of attraction to one sex as an option.

During my wife’s third year out, when she was living permanently as a woman, I discovered the term ‘heteroflexible’ in the book “The Queens’ English”.⁵ Heteroflexible was defined as “a person who is predominantly heterosexual but is open to experiencing gay or queer relationships and sexual encounters. This person is not likely to identify as bisexual. (p. 158).” This term resonated with me as I was open to exploring my sexuality with my wife, but not with other women.

So, have I changed my sexual orientation? No and yes. ‘No because I remain heterosexual and ‘yes’ because I’ve added my attraction to my wife. I’m happy with this approach because I’m not supporting the idea I would consider a romantic relationship with another woman as I feel is indicated with the term bisexual. Also this term doesn’t invalidate the mnemonic for determining one’s sexual orientation, merely adds what I see as context related to frequency.

I need to emphasize this change in my sexual orientation doesn’t provide support for conversion therapy. I didn’t eliminate my heterosexual attraction, I only added to it, to include women under a limited circumstance.

Most importantly, this was my decision. I wasn’t forced into using a term based solely on the gender identity of my spouse. I’m also comfortable with it as I don’t feel I’m misappropriating a term such as “queer”.

Finally I want to stress that my ability to be comfortable with this new identifier for my sexual orientation is because of the richness of the LGBTQ language that is developing. This term wasn’t mentioned by Mardell⁶ in 2016 but is now available for the wives of those who cross dress or are trans if they so desire. Other wives remain free to select another term from the wide range of options that have or will become available.

References

1 Thompson, C. B. (2024) Inside My Husband’s Closet, TransGender Publishing, Victoria BC, Canada.

2 GLAAD (2022c, February 28). GLAAD Media Reference Guide, 11^th edition, Terms. https://www.glaad.org/reference/terms.

3 Schmidt, N. (2024). Sexual orientation, https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/sexual-orientation.

4 Alegria, C. A. (2013). Relational and sexual fluidity in females partnered with male-female transsexual person. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 20, 142-149.

5 Davis, C. O. (2021). The Queens’ English, Clarkson Potter/Publishers.

6 Mardell, A. (2016). The ABC’s of LGBT+. Mango Media Inc.

^{*Numbers in brackets indicate the number of days it had been since my wife had come out.}