Use of Pronouns and Misgendering

The current controversy over the use of pronouns is not the first time, nor probably the last time, this country will disagree on the proper way to address a given individual. I happen to be of an age that I remember when the term Ms. came into vogue in the 1970s. Some people refused to use this new term despite the fact that Ms. had been used intermittently since the 1700s¹.

This time around, the use of Ms. started as a typographical error. In 1961 Sheila Michaels made this error. She kept it. Ms. did not require Michaels to justify her existence based on the presence or absence of a man in her life. Use of the word Ms. eventually took off after Gloria Steinem chose the name for her new feminist magazine[2]. However, acceptance of the term was not without controversy. For example, the New York Times didn’t allow the use of Ms. until 1986¹.

Changing to Ms., rather than Miss or Mrs., was hard for some folks. However, not all change  in forms of address present this type of angst. When a man outgrows a childhood name such as Tommy and converts to Thomas or Tom, few complain. When I married, no one had problems changing my honorific to Mrs., nor my last name to Thompson. Upon receiving my doctorate, changing my honorific to Dr., in some settings (e.g. academic) and not others, didn’t present a problem either.

So, why the apparent resistance to changing the pronouns we use, when changing honorifics or even first or last name does not seem problematic? The reasons seem to vary.

I’ll start with me. So, did I always use the correct pronoun in reference to Marcie when she came out? The answer is a resounding ‘no’. This misgendering was not willful resistance, rather a result of over 40 years of habit. Misgendering her, even when she was en femme was more common when she hadn’t yet decided to present full time as female. The cognitive effort needed to switch back and forth was not insignificant. With other people these errors may not be so much a result of habit as bad memory, a lack of knowledge, and/or inappropriate tendency to make assumptions based on appearance.

Another reason for misgendering that is not commonly discussed is history. How do I tell a story about Marcie in the past when she wasn’t yet Marcie? I first encountered this in my journaling. In some entries I used both ‘he’ and ‘she’. This most frequently occurred when I was writing about a conversation with my husband while he was en homme but we were discussing something that Marcie had done or was planning to do.

Determining what pronoun to use to reference her was one of the most difficult decision I had to make when writing “Inside My Closet.” I even changed my decision a couple times, not because of disrespect or non-acceptance but with the goal of making my meaning clear to those who were trans, cisgender spouses, or uninitiated to the trans vocabulary.

Outside of my journal I continue to battle with which pronoun to use when relaying a story from the past. This conundrum is particularly challenging because Marcie didn’t experience a change in her sense of gender identity until much later in life. Up until the last three years, she considered herself male, even during her first year of presenting part time as a woman. She has never had a need for me to erase history, and reference her as “she” prior to her transition.

So when I discuss something we did many years ago I often question how I should refer to her? For example, one afternoon when comparing stories with a new friend I talked about being alone while the ship on which my spouse served was out to sea. She said, “Wait, I thought you were married to Marcie.” A look of confusion crossed her face. I immediately realized my friend didn’t know that Marcie was trans. At the time of my story, women couldn’t serve on most military vessels. This was my first time telling a new friend in Georgia about being married to a trans woman. I hadn’t taken the time to identify how to relate a story from the past, especially in a situation where being married to a woman was highly unlikely.

Because of the need to easily cross this type of knowledge gap in the future, I came up with the phrase, ‘my husband (now my wife)’, when talking with those who knew me when I was indeed married to a man. This phrase saves me from having to use a longer explanation for why I am now married to a woman and more importantly dispels any idea I’d been divorced and remarried. In fact someone recently thanked me for this explanation as she took it to mean that our marriage had successfully survived Marcie’s transition.

I need to add that I do this with the full consent of  Marcie. She understands that unlike many other trans couples we have over forty years of being happily married before she recognized the change in her gender identity. Neither of us want to ignore the years before she came out. A picture from our wedding even remains on a bedroom table.

This short phrase, ‘my husband (now my wife)’, also helps to distinguish me from the many other women in this country who also have the name Cheryl B Thompson. Just check Facebook. My academic career spans over 30 years and I want to maintain those connections. I use this phrase when I want to make sure someone doesn’t dismiss me as not being the person they are searching for  because the Cheryl they knew was married to a man.

I recognize that this approach will not fit everyone. Those who transition earlier in life may not have a significant history, enough for this to be an issue. Others have always had a single gender identity and wish that to be reflected across their entire life. Some trans folk, for a variety of reasons, may not approve of their spouse using my approach. These preferences should be respected.

So how should one approach the nuances of pronoun use? The first rule, which seems to be generally accepted, is “when in doubt, always ask.” The primary reason to ask if you don’t know is to be respectful. The second reason, particularly if it’s been a while since you’ve seen them, is they may have changed their preference.

A related suggestion is to identify your own pronouns when introducing yourself to new people. This behavior is becoming more common with groups of younger individuals and some corporate and educational environments. I’m still not good at this, but working to make this a habit. I’m much better at changing my Zoom name to include she/her/hers than I am during in-person introductions.

The second rule, which I don’t see referenced as often, is unless you see evidence to the contrary, assume that misgendering in pronouns, name, or relationships (wife, husband, daughter, son, etc.) is unintentional and coveys no ill intent. While I’m rarely misgendered, this does occur with Marcie on occasion. She is good at simply pointing out the terminology she prefers and moving on or ignoring as the situation may indicate.

I have observed that the importance of using correct pronouns varies across individuals as well as time. Pronouns were extremely important to Marcie when she first came out, especially once she came out full time. As discussed above, I was not, and still am not, perfect in the use of pronouns for her. One afternoon over a year ago I used the wrong pronoun in reference to her. I immediately apologized but she said, “you of all people should know better.” She had obvious irritation in her voice. At this point in her transitioning her pronouns were a sensitive subject for her.

However, since that time, she has verbalized an acceptance of mistakes from me and others and now recognizes why they occur. I believe part of the reason for this change is she’s developed confidence in who she is and external validation is less important. Her acceptance is also part of her inbred politeness. She now realizes how hard it was for me to change after 40 years and even harder for family and others who have known her longer.

I though am often not as accommodating as she. The ‘mistakes’ that are the hardest for me to accept are from those who refuse to change. They know exactly what words they are using and their misgendering of my wife is intentional. Some have even asked that I not use proper terminology in referring to her in their presence because it makes them uncomfortable. I find this to be selfish. They are prioritizing their own comfort over that of someone who they profess to love or care for. To me this represents a lack of acceptance and brings out my protective nature for her.

While I recognize my long standing habits as being hard to change, I also accept that long standing religious and political beliefs are harder to change. Right or wrong, I’m more accepting of those with strong ideological beliefs than of those who just don’t like change. I encourage those having difficulty with change to read my second blog, “Why was I Scared.” This may offer strategies to those being challenged in accepting a new reality.

Some of these strategies have helped me to make the cognitive shift needed to view my spouse as a woman. I’m pleased with myself when I recognize her as such in a given situation without any extra cognitive effort. I’m even happier when I don’t struggle or hesitate to reference her as my wife. This last one is more difficult than using ‘she’ or Marcie, but I’m getting there. These struggles may be related to my being overly concerned about what others think rather than me not considering her a woman and thus my wife.

While she/her/hers and he/him/his remain the most common pronouns in use today, other options are emerging. The terms they/them/theirs are becoming more frequently used as references to not just groups of people but also for individuals. Some people use these terms because they feel more comfortable with a gender neutral pronoun, regardless of their gender identity. Although I’d not been previously aware of this usage, I read recently that these terms have been used in the singular since the 1300s³.

Other terms for gender pronouns are also emerging. Multiple references are available in books or on the web for alternative pronouns such as ze, zir, and zem.

A final comment is that vocabulary in the context of gender identity and sexual orientation is changing rapidly. For example, if I had titled my book closer to the time of publication, I might had picked a different one. We both still like “Inside My Husband’s Closet,” due to the reference to needing more space for her new clothes as well as my being isolated for the first year she was out. However, as my knowledge base has grown, I recognize that the use of the word “Husband” in the title says to some potential readers that I don’t accept her as my wife.

This has never been the case. As the early as her second day out, while she was at work, I went shopping to find a new dress for me for our upcoming trip to Cancun. I found one that was perfect. However, while trying it on I realized it would look just as good, if not better, on her. She loved it. From that moment on it was “the dress”. If I’d been more up to speed I’d have recognized I needed it in a small size. But c’est la vie. This dress represents for both of us my immediate acceptance of her, even if I didn’t yet recognize what that meant or how many challenges we still faced.

As with all posts in Cisgender Voices, this post is intended to provide a place to ask questions and exchange information in a safe environment. Those of us married or related to trans folk may have different perspectives on these sensitive topics such as use of pronouns and terms to represent a relationship between two people.

My next post will be in approximately three weeks. The planned topic is that of the sense of isolation I felt during her first year out.  

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[1] https://msmagazine.com/2010/08/27/whats-in-a-name-for-ms-a-long-history/

[2] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/jun/29/gender.uk

[3] https://www.verywellmind.com/they-them-pronouns-7110726

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