The emotions tied up with finding out someone you love is trans can be complicated. When Marcie (my spouse) came out, my most prominent emotion was being scared. I believe this to be a common response. This might not be the emotion everyone identifies, but it’s a common underlying feeling or at least a secondary response. Being scared was most common during the first month, less common throughout the first year, and usually not focused on the relationship with my spouse from the second year onward.
One of the strategies that helped me the most with managing my fear was identifying why I was scared. The most pressing issue for me was feeling she was going to leave me. Second I was petrified that our love life was going to evaporate [6].
Acknowledging these fears helped me to create a strategy for dealing with them and ultimately for eliminating them. Just as important was determining what data would reassure me that the fear was baseless.
In the case of my worry about him leaving, my first approach was to tell him of this concern. He couldn’t have helped me if he didn’t know I was feeling this way. As a result he concentrated on telling me repeatedly he was “not going anywhere”. These specific words were much more effective than him merely dismissing my fears as crazy. I let him know how comforting they were. So he used them again.
These words also set up the criteria I could use to determine that indeed my preoccupation with him leaving was unfounded. Each day I woke up with him still there helped. Each day he repeated that he was “not going anywhere” provided reassurance. His lack of inventorying his possession and/or packing also help. In addition, he appeared to make a conscious effort to tell me how much he loved me, without my asking.
Looking back on this time I remarked in my journal [284] that I had never been that afraid in my life. At the time, my fear seemed to go on forever, but by Day 17 I was no longer afraid he would leave. On Day 21 I reiterated this feeling in my journal, “he was staying”. He had spontaneously given me enough confirmation that he was with me for the long haul. Without him knowing what I was afraid of, this would not have happened. Later I even found it hard to believe I had been so uncomfortable and afraid [41].
My second fear, that our love life would evaporate, was harder to dispel. The answer to easing this apprehension was to continue to make love to each other, to have both of us initiate this affection, not just one or the other of us. However, this wasn’t an everyday occurrence, we were, after all, not newlyweds, so it took longer for evidence to accumulate.
My qualms were relieved to a greater extent when it was my husband, as opposed to Marcie, who was the one to join me in the bedroom. Having Marcie beside me could in some ways have increased rather than decreased my stress level. I was not ready for that. Marcie didn’t appear in our bed until I was prepared for this change, more than two years down the road.
Eventually I realized that as we age I can probably live without sex, but not with the two of us sleeping in separate bedrooms. I didn’t want to ever feel that “he didn’t want to be close to me.” [632] And I haven’t.
Less intense fears continued to pop up at intervals, but none like the first two. Later concerns didn’t have the emotional impact I encountered in the first two months. An early anxiety was that I “might say or do something that will cause him pain. I was fearful he wouldn’t tell me if I hurt him.” [10] This concern was, as with other things, ameliorated by conversation and experience. I gradually became more comfortable with this new person in my life and the need for new vocabulary.
One fear many report is a fear of their partner/spouse transitioning to female full time, with or without surgery and other interventions. Marcie moved so slowly in that direction that I had plenty of time to adapt. I had questions and concerns but none of these created the strong emotional response I experienced initially, none required a dedicated approach to for resolution.
Some folks may encounter fears that won’t resolve with recognition, conversation, time, or other interventions. For example, a partner or spouse may actually be planning to leave. In such cases I suggest a strategy similar to above. First, admit that your fears have morphed. Then as before, name them and identify why this frightens you. Are you afraid of financial issues, the need to move, care for your children, or other issues? Focus on a concrete plan to help you move forward.
In conclusion, I found that naming my fears was the first step in minimizing them. The more specific the acknowledged fear, the greater the chance to develop an action plan, if needed, and to recognize when the fear was no longer relevant. Sharing these fears with my husband allowed him to help alleviate my fears and convince me they were unfounded.
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Cheryl B Thompson 