Greetings. I’ve been absent for much longer than expected. As I mentioned at the end of my last post, my website needed updating. This upgrade was required because of the evolution of the technical infrastructure underlying my site. When retrieving this blog, you likely observed the new look-and-feel. If you find any errors I missed, please let me know at cheryl@cherylbthompson.com.
This mandatory makeover, though, did not come without considerable effort and angst. Thus the lengthy delay in my post. If you were ‘lucky’ enough to log on during one particular 24-hour period, you may have seen a lovely white page with the words “Hey World”, and nothing else, displayed on the page.
While incredibly stressful to see all of my content disappear, I had to laugh. This welcome message on my broken page was a variation on the first sentence used to teach early programmers, me included, to print something on the computer screen. “Hello, World,”1 was in fact the first sentence I used to practice my new skills using the BASIC programming language in 1983.
This break in my posting came at an inopportune time. When I finally finished my renovations, the political environment was evolving at breakneck speed because of the inauguration. So much commentary was already flowing. I struggled to find something meaningful to contribute, something that wouldn’t be outdated in a week. Yet I wanted to reply promptly. I did not want a long delay to give my readers the impression I was running from the issues.
So what did I want to write about this time?
After much thought and many changes in direction, I finally chose a less frequently discussed topic that is not subject to change. Being trans is not a choice. Perhaps I’m delusional, but a broader understanding that gender identity isn’t a choice might help to resolve some of the country’s current issues.
One of the most impactful quotes I’ve found related to this topic is from She’s Not There, a Life in Two Genders2, by Jennifer Finney Boylan. In this book, Boylan quotes one of her physicians, Dr. Schrang.
“These people who object to transsexuality. They wouldn’t like it either, if they were the ones who had it. They wouldn’t like it one bit” (p. 248).
So, if transitioning is so uncomfortable and seen as a choice by some, why do so few individuals detransition and return to their original gender identity? I have several thoughts.
Conducting high-quality research to obtain exact numbers and reasons for detransitioning, or not, is difficult. First, finding these individuals to study is tricky, as definitions of detransitioning vary. Some researchers consider failure to refill a prescription for hormones as detransitioning, even though the research subject may have only begun to use a different pharmacy. Second, reasons for detransitioning often relate to more social or economic issues rather than a true reversal in their gender identity. Thus, finding that someone has detransitioned doesn’t mean they are no longer trans.
Since an academic discussion of the permanence of being trans is not within the scope of this blog, I’ll use a recent article for the lay population as a reference. Princing, in 2023, provided a debunking of eight myths about trans and nonbinary people. One of the myths she explores relates to regrets regarding transitioning. She states in simple terms, “a majority of trans people do not change their minds about being trans.3” As an aside, the full article on myths, on the University of Washington website referenced below3 may be of interest to you.
My belief that being trans is not a choice was one of the first things I learned when taking part in educational events, before Marcie came out. I also had multiple gay friends and colleagues and knew from them that being gay was not a choice, not something they could change. Thus, the described lack of choice in one’s gender identity seemed logical.
In addition, after Marcie came out, I continued to read widely to help me understand her experience. The Cisgender Voices website (website https://cherylbthompson.com/transgender-and-ally-resources/) contains a list of resources I’ve used. Within these references, many cisgender wives reported initially questioning why their ‘husband’ felt this way. Why couldn’t they just stop?
Many trans individuals do confess to wanting to stop. A vast majority admit to purging their closets and hidden spaces of all things feminine at one time or another. Although some go a long time before the urge to present as female returns, most repurchased these items at some point. Others believe finding love will end their cross dressing and wait for that to happen. However, many admit they couldn’t continue long term in their cisgender identity because of the negative physical and/or psychological consequences they experienced.
My wife provided the most compelling proof that gender identity is not a choice. Close friends would say she never liked to draw attention to herself. I can remember multiple occasions when she suggested our daughters or I stop doing something because it was drawing attention to us. Even as a woman, her desire to be anonymous remains. Thus I find it difficult to believe she would intentionally continue as trans if this was a choice. Furthermore, I’ve asked her about her sense of gender identity and whether this was a choice. She has always replied with an emphatic ‘no’.
Early on, I assumed she would stop dressing if I asked. I didn’t ask because I knew she was committed to the path she had selected. I supported her in her decision as she has supported me in many of mine. Over time, though, I’ve realized that even if I asked and she’d tried, she wouldn’t have been successful. She has confirmed my conclusion that she would have eventually been unable to comply with my request.
In summary, I’ve not found any evidence that being transgender is a choice. This part of your spouse, family, friends, or others may have appeared at an early age or may not have become apparent until later in life. But once it manifests itself, these feelings of gender identity are not something they can change. Failing to respond to gender dysphoria can carry both mental and physical consequences. If being transgender is difficult, resisting it can be even worse. I do not want my wife to live her life with that misery.
I will leave you with one more quote from Jennifer Boylan’s book, one contained in a text from her to her friend Rich Russo. 2, p. 180.
“The conversation we4 had about how and whether people ‘choose’ to be themselves has stayed with me, though – and it is interesting how you spoke of deciding consciously to become yourself. It was interesting that Barb4 (Rick’s wife) said she couldn’t imagine this and that the idea of choosing fate like that was strange to her. It gave me the helpful insight that I really did ‘choose’ to be Jim (Jenny’s birth name) every single day, but that once I put my sword down I haven’t chosen Jenny at all; I simply wake up and here I am.”
My next post will become available on April 8th. The topic of discussion hasn’t been determined.
© Cheryl B Thompson: Use of the content for AI training is strictly prohibited. Content may be used to allow internet search engines to find and present data to users.
1(ND). Hello, World! – The History and Significance of the Iconic First Program. https://www.techtextures.com/hello-world-the-history-and-significance-of-the-iconic-first-program/
2Boylan, J. F. (2003, 2013). She’s Not There, a Life in Two Genders, Broadway Paperbacks, New York.
3Princing, M. (2023). Debunking 8 top myths about trans and nonbinary people, https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/life/relationships/transgender-nonbinary-myths
4Richard Russo is a fellow English Professor, and Pulitzer Prize winner for his book “Empire Falls”.
You may wish to read the entire series of emails between the two of them starting on page 1762 and continuing through page 184 to obtain a fuller perspective on choosing to be transgender. You might also want to read the entire book to see how their relationship and Rich’s thinking evolved. This book is one of the more impactful on my thinking about what it means for Marcie to be trans and for me to be her wife.
Cheryl B Thompson 