A Year of Chaos (Why I‘m so tired)

Sometimes chaos doesn’t look that bad up close. But patterns can be recognized from afar. This past year definitely fit a pattern of chaos.

The ‘year’ of which I speak started on November 3^rd, 2023. On this day I began -to share Marcie with my stepmother and siblings. The process of publishing my book, “Inside My Husband’s Closet”, was moving ahead with some certainty. I didn’t want someone from my family to see the book somewhere and finding out about her accidentally.

I was also ready to be done with the secrets. She’d come out a little over three years before. I was tired of censoring my language when talking with them, making sure I used the correct pronouns and name depending upon to whom I was speaking.

My large family is spread across the country, so I couldn’t do an in person reveal (the recommended approach). Nor could I inform more than one ‘person/couple’ at a time. Not all of them are tech savvy, so phone was a better option than Zoom or FaceTime. This meant multiple sequential phone calls.

Not knowing how each would react, I selected a call order I predicted would minimize pushback during initial calls. In this way the easiest discussions came first. I also considered who I could talk with that would not let the cat out of the bag before I had the opportunity to reach the others.

Things went better than expected. Most seemed to accept the information, or at least gave me that impression. The sister I was most worried about did indeed have issues, but she was polite about it. This relationship will be what it will be. The best part of this reveal was that we were now free to establish a relationship with her daughter, my niece, and invite her to Thanksgiving dinner. The younger generation has so many fewer issues than do  some of us boomers.

Soon after, Marcie mentioned  plans to see a plastic surgeon about facial feminization surgery, (FFS). Since she’d been dropping hints for a while this was not much of an issue. The chaos didn’t begin until we found that her surgeon wanted to do the surgery in January rather than after our vacation scheduled in April. This gave us much less time to plan than we had been assuming.

The chaos this created was due to financial issues. Our insurance wouldn’t cover her surgery so we had to tap multiple sources to pay all expenses upfront. This provided the advantage of a cash discount. We had the money, but moving it- around was much more difficult than anticipated when I thought I’d have four to five months to do so. Being near the holidays complicated the process as well.

These issues presented some of the hardest the two of us had needed to work through. The sense of not knowing what needed to be done or even if it could be done on such short notice hit all of my buttons. We needed several intense conversations to work through my anxiety. This financial coordination was more challenging than the surgery itself.

Chaos continued when her FFS, and the two surgeries that followed, did not go as planned. She was a complication magnet. The nurse anesthetist for her FFS was rearended on her way to the clinic, so surgery started late. As a result the surgeon ran out of time and needed to schedule a second surgery to finish all of the planned procedures.

Then the bone above her brow did not heal properly. Air continued to leak out from her facial sinuses for nine weeks, creating an air bubble underneath the skin on her forehead. Her surgeon had not seen this issue in over 14 years of practice. At the recommendation of a second consultant (the first one hadn’t seen it either) hyperbaric treatments were started. The use of pressure and 100% oxygen were used to increase the rate of healing. The increased air pressure then caused problems with her eardrums, so she needed tubes (such as with kids) inserted in her ears.

The second set of procedures, those not able to be completed during her first round of anesthesia, went as expected. Unfortunately the swelling in her face was much worse than I had expected based on the surgeon’s description or what had occurred with her first surgery. Then, even as the swelling subsided, I no longer recognized her. She was an age appropriate, attractive woman but not the woman she had been before surgery. These changes were unsettling for a couple months until I became accustomed to her new appearance. See my second blog on Appearance for more detail.

During the two months it took for her appearance to stabilize I had cataracts removed from first one and then my second eye. This was poor planning on my part, especially because I didn’t respond well to the seven weeks of four times a day eye drops needed following the surgeries.

Marcie had to wait three months after her second surgery for her next bout with a surgeon where she had a diastasis recti repaired. This surgery is one common when the muscles in the abdomen separate after one or more pregnancies. Hers had separated due to age, earlier weight gain then loss, and bad technique when doing core exercises.

All went well for four days, then part of the incision extending across her abdomen and the one leading up to her belly button separated. The incision needed to have special bandages applied two to three times a day. This extended healing took an extra four to six week. Thus, I felt like I was providing nursing care to either her or myself from January through November. For only short periods during that stretch  of time did I ever feel life was normal.

She was not a bad patient by any stretch of the imagination. However, I couldn’t depend on her for her usual contributions to our relationship. She was willing to help where she could, but didn’t always take the initiative and work independently as she usually does. Thankfully, she picked back up on the laundry and dishes, her routine tasks, within a few weeks.

Maybe the most stressful part was our reduced ability to get out of the house for dinner, or other social activities. For at least a month after each surgery we were homebound other than for an occasional trip to the store. I couldn’t believe how happy I was when I could finally send her to the grocery store with a list while I found a few minutes to write.

Woven into all of this activity was the preparatory work needed for the release of my book in April. Then when it came out, the marketing began, a process of reaching out to family connections, my professional networks, and online social media outlets.

So a year later, I was tired. The unpredictability and continued stream of chaos had been exhausting. No single event was overwhelming, but put together, in a continuous stream of things, life was stressful.

Yet as I said above the year was not without its rewards. Once the pain was gone I could see on Marcie’s face how happy she was. During the worst of it, unlike me, she was not discouraged. She was much more convinced than I was that it would come out okay. And as usual, she was right.

Most important for my coping, she let me go through my own doubts and discomfort and to adjust on my own timeline. She didn’t take my distress as a direct afront to her. She regularly asked me how I was doing and supported me with hugs and kisses.

Our vacation in early December was a needed release from all I’ve described. She felt at home once we arrived at the resort. People recognized her as the woman she is. She told me several times throughout our stay, “I’ve had a wonderful day. I’m happy.” The smile that spread across her face as she said these things verified that the journey had been worth it.

I also got to relax. We have been to this resort many times. People know us. I didn’t need to stress over what people thought about Marcie. I also didn’t need to worry about cooking, dishes, laundry, or even making the bed. Most importantly the resort served a champagne, very much to my liking. So I was content.

If we were to do it again I would have spread things out and paid more attention to the whole of the year’s activities for both of us. Yes, I wanted to be done with it all and was tired of waiting (see blog post 8). But recovery from each stage and taking time to live in ‘the normal’ for a while would have been better. I hadn’t realized that it was more than a matter of her having recovered physically but also one of finding some stability before the chaos of planning for the next step began.

Now that she’s back to normal I have a reasonable expectation that the pictures that have been leaning against the wall for forever have a good chance of making it up onto a nail.

My next post is expected for January 28th. My plan is to discuss my interactions with the healthcare system. The literature is full of information regarding healthcare for an individual who is trans, but lacking in help for those of us who are cisgender partners.

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