This blog will explore the management of pictures of your spouse from before they began presenting as trans. I will not address pictures of kids or teens as they are dealing with different issues and this is not an area in which I have experience.
This content comes more from my memory and conversations with friends than from authoritative sources. My conclusions come from a variety of related statements but not exact quotes or opinions of others. I must admit I am probably showing more bias in these comments that I usually do in my blogs.
Perspective of Trans Partner
Opinions vary as to what should be done with older pictures that no longer represent one’s spouse’s gender identity. Some cisgender wives have conveyed stories of the extreme distress caused in partners upon seeing pictures of themselves from before they transitioned. This discomfort is generally a result of their dysphoria.
In these cases the trans partner may ask that all previous pictures be taken down, or in extreme situations, destroyed. Some with severe dysphoria may delete other sources of photos such as social media accounts under their dead name. Doing so allows them to reestablish their online presence with their correct name.
Other trans partners do not expressed such distress. They are comfortable with the pictures remaining in the house although may prefer they not be displayed where the photos could be seen regularly by themselves or others. For example, some keep pictures in photo albums. These photos can be perused but are not visible to those who wish not to be reminded of a part of themselves that no longer exists.
In contrast, some trans partners do not object to the presence of older pictures or memorabilia being displayed in their home. These images do not create discomfort, may reference welcome changes that have occurred, or may document how much happier they now appear in current photographs.
Another subset of individuals is those who generally do not displayed any pictures in their home. Some families may not typically take photos of individuals or events. Others may have pictures but do not take the effort to frame and display them
Perspective of Spouse
Spouses of trans folk may not share their partner’s perspectives toward the treatment of older pictures. Some do not want to forget their spouses former appearance or to forget a significant event in their life together. Special events, such as marriage, the birth of a child, family birthdays, or other milestones in the family’s life are likely to remain significant to them. They may consider a photo including their spouse to be the best one taken, the one they most want to display. Keeping older photos may also be helpful in the process of grieving the loss of their masculine partner, similar to when losing a spouse or parent due to death.
For instances where the trans partner is not out to a family’s entire network, keeping some pictures on display may be essential. A wife, in particular, may not want to answer questions from others about where all the pictures of their ‘husband’ have gone. Likewise, some partners may wish to maintain family social media sites, including pictures so as to not out their spouse to friends who do not yet know of the transition.
Not all wives have a problem with removing older pictures, especially if they can replace them with newer pictures. For example, a cis gender wife may agree that wedding pictures don’t truly reflect the person they married. More recent pictures may more accurately express their relationship.
Challenges
Challenges arise when a couple do not agree on a strategy for managing these photos. In some cases the trans partner may be adamant that all pictures are not just to be removed but must be destroyed. They may comment that “it’s my life” and “I have the right to determine how I’m represented”. Their wife may feel similarly, “it’s my life, that’s a picture of my wedding or special vacation and I want to remember it as it happened”. The larger the number of individuals in a photo, the more difficult creating a similar photographic memory will be.
I recommend, as with all issues, both parties be willing to negotiate and do their best to see the perspective of the other. Strategies that protect both individual’s rights should be considered. For example, the spaces in which a picture resides can be restricted to varying degrees, without actually destroying the picture. Decisions may need to be made on a picture by picture basis. For example, pictures of a large family gathering where the trans partner is not the focus of the photo and where they are pictured with multiple others may not be as traumatic as a picture of only the trans partner. In other cases a photo may have hung on a wall in a given spot for years and others would notice its absence. In such cases a wholesale reorganization of displayed pictures may obscure the changes.
A more complex and potentially controversial solution is to digitally regender the trans partner into an older picture. This approach may not satisfy either partner though because it would not accurately represent a past reality.
Both partners should consider that opinions change over time. The trans partners dysphoria may decrease with age. The breadth of the network to which a trans individual wants to be out may expand. Keeping copies digitally or in a location where they won’t be stumbled upon by others may be an acceptable compromise. If changes occur, a destroyed picture can never be recreated.
Another consideration that may ease the decision to retain a given photo is we generally don’t take down pictures of anyone from our families as they age or remove those of individuals who have passed away. In addition, increasing the number of future pictures and slowly removing older photos may lessen the sense of loss for both partners.
Marcie and I
In our case, Marcie didn’t have a strong opinion regarding displaying previous pictures. Some of this was resolved when we moved. We had room to put up only a few of the pictures that we had previously hung on our walls. Two of our wedding pictures and a set of matching pictures of each of us in our headsets, playing an online game are the only pictures of her we are displaying. Both are in our bedroom. Because of the significance of both events/activities, we both enjoy being able to see them regularly.
We also have a collage of pictures from the past that is sitting on a shelf waiting for new pictures. Once she is done healing from her surgeries and is ready to have a professional picture taken we will replace current photos and hang the collage in our primary living space.
The most common place to see a picture of her is on my screen saver, which floats through pictures taken over my entire life and our 45+ years of marriage, including recent ones. I have saved a few pictures we don’t want to share with family or friends, in a separate folder that isn’t part of the screen saver rotation. Otherwise, I ‘ve not deleted any pictures of her unless the picture was blurry or otherwise flawed.
Even if pictures from years ago don’t bother her, they can have an emotional impact on me. Most often they are good memories and comforting to me. While I recognize a given picture is not what my spouse looks like today, I still love the person represented. I don’t want to forget him, or the memories the picture creates. This perspective in no way means I haven’t accepted her for who she is now and she understands this.
A couple weeks ago a picture of her from about 15 years ago flashed across the screen. This picture was the best one from her mid adult years I can remember. I caught her when she didn’t know I was going to take a picture. She had a natural look on her face and the lighting was perfect. Unfortunately I can’t find the picture in the hundreds I have on my computer. They stay up for only about 15 seconds and they aren’t labeled. But I do retain the image in my memory banks, next to the ones of how she now appears.
The memories sparked by that one the picture made me smile. I loved her then and I love her now, even though the two images are nowhere near the same. Then again, the picture of her at our wedding and the pictures from our 30th wedding anniversary were nowhere near the same either, but I think fondly of how she looks in both. We all change over time. Her changes were just a bit more drastic.
For a long time I had two pictures of her up in my office at home from a time before we were married. The pictures were good, but it was the pewter frame which I liked even more. I have since taken them down, saving the frame for a post transition photo. She has never asked me to put the pictures away. Nor would I expect her to. If the pictures brought me comfort she would want me to keep them on display.
She is probably a bit unique though. This may be related to the fact that despite feeling so much happier and comfortable as a woman, she has never experienced feelings of dysphoria,
I’m also sure this is related to her attention to my feelings that she has demonstrated throughout our journey. She recognizes the toll her revelation made on me, especially in the beginning. She has made every effort she can to make things easier for me. Allowing me to keep a photo within my personal space, even if she would have been distressed, is something to which I am positive she would not object. It’s not in her nature.
In conclusion I will stress that the decisions related to the display and keeping of old photos should be made jointly and after much discussion. Both partners can be impacted emotionally by photos from the past. These emotions may be positive or negative, but equally strong and important.
The keeping of old pictures does not mean that you do not accept your spouse as she is, just that your memories of the past are positive or even comforting. The desire to remove all photos does not mean your spouse disrespects your feelings but that the emotional toll may be so great that efforts are needed to minimize potential harm. Together, in love, a solution that maximizes the needs of each should be within reach.
My next post is expected for December 2nd to accommodate vacation plans and the holidays. Although always subject to change, I anticipate the topic will be an exploration of my journey to my current perception of my sexual orientation.
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Cheryl B Thompson 