Waiting

Sometimes I get so tired of living in a trans relationship. These emotion have nothing to do with a lack of love for Marcie. They have nothing to do with not accepting her as a woman. They do have to do with what it takes to make her transition a reality. And my story doesn’t even account for the issues others, with fewer resources and more pushback, must face. As I’ve said in a previous post, this is hard work. Although I don’t remember specifics of what it was like before Marcie came out, now it seems like I’m always waiting for the next thing to happen. I don’t remember when there wasn’t a time when something, even as simple as her first time to go to the mall by herself, wasn’t on the schedule.

This feeling of forever being in suspension hit me hard this morning (June 2024). My mindset was undoubtedly being exacerbated by of her upcoming surgery. It’s not the surgery itself. I know the process. I’m not adverse to the surgery or worried about her safety. Rather, it’s this feeling that I’m always waiting for one thing to happen so the next thing can happen and these some things are generally related to her being trans.

For example, last fall she mentioned wanting to have facial feminization surgery. I had expected this so that wasn’t the issue. Rather, I had to wait for her to make an appointment with a surgeon to discuss the surgery. Selecting one from the three she’d identified as candidates took time. Then it was several weeks before the actual appointment. Once scheduled, the surgery itself was more than a month down the road, although sooner than expected. When she encountered complications with her recovery there wasn’t even a timeline for when the bone in her forehead would heal, making it harder to cope.

Now I’m waiting for Tuesday so she can have the next phase of the originally planned procedures completed. The first surgery had to be split in two because her nurse anesthetist was rear ended the morning of surgery (she wasn’t hurt but delayed at the scene by the police). With a late start they couldn’t finish everything in one sitting. Thus the extra trip to surgery. After this second surgery the process will start all over with the second surgeon who will do her nose reconstruction, top surgery, and a tummy tuck to repair an abdominal fascia defect. This will need to be scheduled out three months so as to allow time between instances of anesthesia.

In the case of Marcie’s surgeries, waiting is more difficult once she is two weeks out because she can no longer smoke. It’s not necessarily the cigars themselves she misses, but the complete ritual around them that relaxes her. She gets antsy without them. I can tell.

But waiting hasn’t always been related to surgery. During the first year she decided she wanted more feminine glasses and maybe contacts. Waiting for her to get her eyes examined, then buying new glass, then getting fitted for contact, and then testing out a couple of different pairs all extended process. At this point I can’t remember what was next on the list and waiting for her to get new glasses.

Two years ago we also had a drawn out timeline for her to tell our daughters and then her two sisters about her being trans. We both agreed this should happen before our move since we might not see them together (daughters, then sisters) for quite a while afterwards. So she planned out how she was going to tell them, then we waited for the designated time.

Waiting has been easier when I’m in control. This may have been because I was making the decision so I wasn’t as stressed or because the things I wanted naturally moved along faster. Unlike when telling other folks, when telling my best friends about Marcie I didn’t plan it out, I just did it the next time I talked with them, usually a few days. After deciding it was time to tell my family, I got most everyone notified within two weeks. Marcie is much more methodical.

This waiting doesn’t always bother me. Today it just hit me hard for some reason. The changes for her are exciting. I know she has to process each new decision and be sure this is something she wants and then figure out how to make it happen. But sometimes I just wish her transition would be complete and we could settle into a new normal. This time, after her surgeries, after she’s figured out her new makeup routine, and after she’s cleaned her closet, we have a trip to Cancun planned. A nice reward for both of us.

My next post will be in approximately three weeks. I plan to write about Appearances. This topic will be discussed in light of the changes in her appearance following Facial Feminization Surgery.

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