After loading my last post into WordPress and reading it again, I realized I’d brought forth too much of my academic side to the discussion. I basically described how Marcie socially transitioned, not how I felt about it. I thought about editing the first blog to introduce more emotion but I liked the former ending too much to reduce its impact.
“The people in Georgia are much more welcoming than the politicians.”
So now that you have the facts of how it happened, how did I respond to her social transitioning? First, as I said last time, I was ready for it. “I was tired of being in the closet, tired of having to watch my language” around others. Second, I didn’t initially separate out the steps of transitioning: social, physical, and legal. I think I lumped the three together in my thoughts of how it would happened and my response to that possibility. Looking back, my feelings toward her making physical changes in her body caused much more, or at least different anxieties than her being perceived as a woman.
We’d been planning a move to the southeast for a couple years. Thus I wasn’t surprised to see that I mentioned transitioning in the context of our move by Day 33. My statements “however far he goes I have no sign he will ever stop loving me” and “I also have no sense I will ever stop loving him, whatever his identity” indicate that my initial thoughts of him transitioning didn’t create extensive angst for me.
My fears of him transitioning only appeared later, usually, as I read of others who initially said they’d never transition but they did. However, these emotions were linked to transitioning in general, never in regard to merely a social transition. I didn’t use those words until I started to write the last blog post. Even when planning our move I said “living full time” rather than referencing it as transitioning. I’m not sure why.
The idea of her living full time as a woman was less stressful than the feelings I experienced when we were actually walking around the streets together. Having people consider us lesbians was less threatening to me than having them identify her as trans. Again, I’m not sure why. Part of it was probably because I knew a number of gays and lesbians. I was comfortable with this identity in others. Transgender was still a relatively new concept. I didn’t yet have any friends who were trans.
Safety was also a consideration. I was reading many fewer cases of violence against the gay community than in the past. However, parts of the state where we lived were known for violence against the trans community.
One reason I may not have focused on ‘social transitioning’ is because she didn’t need to plan a massive ‘reveal’ as did those who were still working in a large organization. Marcie worked at a small shop with just two employees, her, and her boss. She worked part time and didn’t feel she had to go to work en femme. She also delayed piercing her ears until we moved. Coming out to family and a few close friends didn’t feel impactful enough to be considered ‘social transitioning.’
After we moved I wasn’t uncomfortable around the few friends we had made as they had accepted her without problem. My greatest discomfort was wondering when I should tell others in my growing group of acquaintances, such as fellow students in my karate class. I didn’t want to just blurt out “my wife is trans”. I held the information for when it fit with the conversation.
Even now, after almost four years, I still hesitate a beat when saying I have a wife. The more I use the word ‘wife’, though, the easier it has become. Adding the fact that she is trans does not usually seem appropriate. The phrase “too much information” often applies.
Information about Marcie most commonly comes out when telling stories and getting to know new folks. When I mention my family among new friends I identify my wife as Marcie. Then if I mention she had served in the navy, they get confused. Women didn’t serve on destroyers 40 years ago. This is often the opening for me to say she hadn’t yet transitioned at that point.
Whereas I may talk about Marcie and her gender identity, she is much more comfortable just letting others make their own assumptions. She is not bothered about creating confusion in others to the degree that I am. For example, by the time she first came into my karate dojo my instructor knew I had a wife. I’d not mentioned she was trans. She just let them assume that based on her appearance.
It wasn’t until many months later I mentioned this fact. As in with others, it was in the context of my telling my friends about my book. Those who had met or even just seen her told me they had assumed as much. So maybe her approach works fine.
As mentioned in my last post, it has been much easier telling folks who did not know Marcie before that she is trans. This is generally in a one on one situation. People today, as compared to four years ago when she came out to me, are much more likely to have heard the term ‘trans’ or ‘transgender.’ Tolerance, if not acceptance, are much more common. I still have to stop and think about what I want to say when I introduce her or when I describe my family, but it’s getting easier.
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Cheryl B Thompson 